What A Girl Wants

— "I just don't understand women."

— "Women have to complicate everything."

And on and on it goes; some variation of the same theme. That women are from Venus, and men are from Mars.

And it's all kind of true.

Yet, it's not.

I am "facebook" friends, through my husband, with two 40-something men who have never "NEVER" been married. In post after post, they whine and complain about how women are only interested in "bad boys." Women, they claim, don't like "real men." 

First off, if you whine like a bitch, you get treated like a bitch.

Second, what are your standards? Seriously. What and more to the point who are you looking for? If you spend 20-years of your life pining after Kate Upton, Heidi Klum or some other fantasy version of a female and you look like a cross between John Candy and Andrew Dice-Clay, well, it's time to adjust your meter.

That always makes us women look like bitches. Because we tend to not lower our meters.

Sure, you'll see some hot woman with Mick Jagger ... but he's Mick Fucking Jagger. Yes, he's as ugly as an ape's ass, but he also has more money than God and he's Mick Fucking Jagger.

Quit bitching because the rich ugly guy scored.

Women face the same shit. We deal with it. And we bitch about it. Then we deal with it. LOL.

A lot of times, our circumstances dictate our ability to meet interesting single people. 

Small towns are tough, because by high school everyone has "partnered" up ... kind of an adolescent musical chairs. When the music stops in a small town, you may be out of luck.

Big cities are tough. The pile of people becomes a mass of humanity and every one has their guard up all the time. 

Times are always the times. Don't use the excuse that it's different now ... because it's always different. 

(AND BY THE WAY, MOST GUYS/GIRLS KNOW ALL OF THIS ALREADY)

So, with that mini-rant out of the way ... which, by the way, was really directed at two human beings on Facebook and not dA ... I bring you full circle. 

The last poll was this: "LADIES ONLY! What Gets Me Going Is ..."

There were (as of 12:15 a.m. Saturday night) 6 votes for "A combination;" 5 votes for "Soft Touches;" 3 votes for "A specific." And various votes for the other choices.

The vast majority of votes centered around Soft Touches, Conversations and combinations that revolved around those themes.

Women have a softness. We do. We are wanting to be swept up in the most amazing manner - a combination of genuine eye contact, sincere listening, heartfelt laughter, gentle caresses and then passionate love-making.

But not the same way every night.

And that is where your job as men gets tough.

Trying to figure out what the magical mystery numbers are for the tumblers attached to heart and pussy gets complicated.

And it's not our job to make it easy.

We are not going to watch porn 1,000 nights in a row and still feel like "doing it."

We are not asking for a new dozen roses for 1,000 nights in a row and still feel like "doing it."

We need some mystery. We need some spice. We need some spontaneity.

Keep that in mind ... and fuck, seriously, how much did you pay for that free advice. 

THE ADVENTURES OF A MEERCAT NINJA

My last assignment for the agency was wacking these two Swedish diplomats. One male, one female.

It was a tricky task.

The male was easy. Short skirt, stockings, garter belts and high heels work every time. On his third drink I suggested we go somewhere private and bang! That was that.

The female was a real piece of work.

So, she got the long distance kiss. 

God, I hate my job. 

A REALLY TRUE GHOST STORY

I understand there is a house down the street that is haunted. I just don't go to that house.

Fuck a ghost. 

MULTI-FUCKING-TASKING

I am writing all of this in the bathtub, in between shaving my legs, my pits and my pussy ... I am gonna smell like fresh flowers and morning air and then I am going to attack Pirate with a vengeance. 

It's been two whole days since we had sex and that is two days too long. 

Much peace and love to you all,

Boudicah