Journal Entry: Mon Jul 21, 2014, 11:52 PM
So ... the lawyer says it looks like I'll be bonded out by Tuesday morning. Thank goodness for lax security procedures or else they may have found this stolen smartphone I snuck in in my cootchie.
I swear, our society can't take a joke anymore ... even one in poor taste, with bad execution and poor planning. I needed a better escape route.
But life is chess, not checkers, and thinking four to five moves ahead, this joke moves me closer to my target. Even if it does mean a four day stay at the Metal Bar Hotel.
It turns out Nude Demolition Derby is frowned upon in these here parts. Plus, my insurance company sucks ass.
Also, you know, in hindsight, I probably should have test driven that 1969 Dodge Dart. Which had no third gear. Not that it would have mattered when you pick the one Walmart on the East Coast with only one way in and one way out. Again, better planning and an escape route.
Of course, that's really not the worst part.
No, the worst part is that they said, "Nude Roller Derby." Yeah. Missed that part.
So while 19 hot chicks were banging tits at the skating rink, I was smashing cars. My team was short a girl, yeah, because I didn't show up. But they were nice enough to kick in $250 toward my bail money.
I am glad that I thought ahead and wore my fake fingerprints and brought along one of my phony IDs. Having all that stuff from my Meercat Ninja days does pay off.
If I can get into my safe deposit box at the bank on Tuesday I can pull the cash and quietly pay off all those pissed off people from the parking lot. No witnesses might make this case disappear quickly.
Ah, well. Lessons learned.
I really need to update my Facebook status ... and probably delete some pictures. Plus, I never should have tweeted that "Crush it bitches! #smashshit #walmartsucksass #bangbang."
Not my best idea.
Next time, gonna go with the museum and the Peek-a-boo underwear idea.
Damn. They're doing bed check. Hang on a second.
That was close. Wish they had moved me into general population, instead of this stupid holding cell. I could have had some hot lesbian shower sex. Pussy Pink is the New Black. Not orange.
I should post a jailhouse selfie.
God the lighting in here sucks. Yeah, not posting that.
Oh, sorry. I was reading my email and kind of forgot y'all were here.
Thanks for voting in my poll. I really should have waited until more votes came in or at the very least been listening better when Brandy said, "Nude roller derby." I tend to tune her out. Her voice, not pleasant. Nice tits, but damn, when she opens her mouth. Yikes. Turns out the thin line between 'southern darling,' and 'backwoods southern trash,' is a little too thin if you catch my meaning. Her voice sounds like something out of Deliverance. Or The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. Great movie by the way if you get a chance to see it.
I heard they show movies here, but I was in holding all weekend long ... well, since early Sunday morning anyway, and I wasn't allowed to see the movie.
One of the trustees told me it was 'Days of Thunder' with Tom Cruise. Irony.
Oh, this is important — Turns out "trustees" is a misleading name. I thought that meant they could be trusted. So, when the trustee said "bend over, I got something for dat ass." ... well, it wasn't a free medical exam.
The guards told me not to be so naive. Like they couldn't have said that 12 hours earlier.
Okay, well, time to check my Facebook and see how many "Likes" my "Jail sucks pig balls" status got.
Peace, out ... see you bitches on the free side soon.
Love and kisses,
or Sarah Conner
Listening to: Passenger
Reading: Buzzfeed quizes
Watching: Orange is the new Black
Playing: like a boss.
Drinking: Red wine